man

I didn't marry until I was 36 years old. I'd been wanting marriage and family since I was far too young to have it. By virtue of this fact alone, my impression of men, on the whole, was complicated. I absorbed nearly two decades of frustrated relationships, broken-hearted conversations, bizarre interactions, missed signals, awkward exchanges, all of which further defined this impression of men even deeper into my emotional construct. As more time went by, I saw myself striving to do two things simultaneously: 1) keep dating men; and 2) keep believing in them.

When I met S. he felt EXACTLY the same way about women.

S. and I are very much still newlyweds. Now that I think about it, because I believe that marriage lasts into eternity, it's more accurate to say that all of my marriage while in mortality is one drawn out newlywed phase. Everything, everything is new, not the least of which is this new feeling of connection - and how to deepen it.

Sometimes I'll be driving somewhere alone, listening to the radio. And out of nowhere, a notion will brush across my consciousness. It's a thought so big my brain can't stay with it. It's about what this marriage, my marriage, all marriage, really is about, what it can be, what I think it's meant to be. Words can't touch it. All I know is, I'm still in the car with my eyes forward, my hands on the wheel and my foot on the gas, but I'm rendered silent by it. I don't hear the song on the radio anymore, I don't hear anything but air whizzing past me, and all I want to do is go back and find that glimpse of a thought and live in it for a while. It leaves me feeling awestruck, insignificant, loved beyond comprehension. That such a thing as eternal marriage exists at all. And it finally was given to me. When I contemplate even a little of what it means, it's no wonder marriage took so long to find me. It should have.

I titled my post "man" for a reason. Because I've been thinking about the changes I've seen in S. since we got married. Not much time at all has passed. But what a delight it is to witness a change like this, and have the best seat in the house from which to see it. I know that I have changed plenty, and I continue to grow, and everything is in a state of movement for all of us. But it's harder to see my changes. Besides, I want to write about his, not mine.

This may sound controversial or even condescending. I don't mean it to be, it's just a thought. I think maybe marriage changes men more than women. My sister once told me (she's eight years my junior and married eight years longer than I) that marriage makes a man out of the boy. I wasn't married when she told me that, and I was not convinced that it was true. I'm still not convinced. But I'm definitely seeing what she meant. I'll share an example from yesterday.

S. and I have a problem right now: it's a little thing called unemployment. Well, I'm unemployed. He's starting a practice, and that just takes time to do. So far in our marriage, I've been responsible for earning the money, while S. was getting the law degree. That's how we've split up the duties. I've been going along just fine with this arrangement. But here comes the change: S. wants to earn the money now. Desperately. After my tearful application for unemployment benefits was submitted online (first time I've ever done that) in walks this man. He lifts me out of my chair and pulls me into his chest. He's speaking quietly, but his voice is even. He takes both my hands, looks me in the eyes and says: it's going to be okay. I know it is. It's my turn. It's my job to support the family, and I will not fail at that. I could be doing more. And I'm going to, starting now.

I want to tell you that  S. has already been killing himself every day getting this practice off the ground. His phrase is: "gotta make it rain." He is more energized, more motivated, and more driven to do something than I've ever seen before. I have to say, it is dead sexy. Suddenly, I'm safe. I feel better instantly. But something else happens, too. When I hear him say "I could be doing more" something wells up inside me that is hard to describe. What a gift this man is!  What an amazing teacher and friend. It's the same feeling as when I was driving in the car, and the radio fell silent as the notion of eternity brushed across my mind. This is what marriage is really about, and what I think it's meant to be. I needed a man to show it to me more clearly. Thank you, God, for righteous men. Thank you for the great man you've given me. He is not the man I dated. He's not even the man I married. He keeps getting better and better. And I want to move mountains for him. I want him to feel so loved that he can't help himself but win every battle. This is what my marriage will be. I could be doing more. And I'm going to, starting now.